It seems to be the trend of the week. I am on a week long mission to not take any antihistamines. I was in the routine of taking a claritine (spl?) every morning and 2 benadryls (spl?) every night. I have been told that I have to go a week without my allergy meds to take the test they want to run on me. So here I am with another sneeze filled night, but tonight is a little different. Tonight I ended up crying. Crying, as we know as women, causes stupid side effects with our sinuses. So here I sit typing a "blog" while my hubby snoozes away.
These words will be a little jumbled and only a little on topic of where we are aiming in this blog.
My mother... I have tried several times to describe her to myself and to the people I meet along the way that ask about her. She wasn't emotionally distant. She was always right there emotionally. To sum it up my husband found the words tonight via, "She was sick". I was born to a mother that was given a death sentence from birth. I asked my husband if he meant she was emotionally or physically sick and his response was, "she was just sick".
There is so much truth in this reply. I have explained before her reasons to live, breed, and move on. I won't do it again. Tonight I am faced with the truth of her life after my father. It took me months to introduce my son (from my first marriage) to the man I am now married too (5 years together). So why is it that my mother felt no guilt in dragging me to each man she dated's home. I was left with someone in this man's life usually while my mother and him went out. The day after she would spend the entire day in bed nursing a hangover (my mom's were awful because her body couldn't process the alcohol).
After quite a few years of this, and a few incidents where the drug was worse than alcohol and I wasn't the only minor involved, she married again. At the reception to this man she taught me, at the age of 16, to shoot tequila. At 16 this seemed like the coolest mom in the World. In the next few years my friends and I would find refuge in her home. We would lie and say we were staying at her place and spend time with random guys. My mom thought this was great.
When I had my son at 19 she cause her usual drama. I dealt with it for some time, but soon began to think about how I would feel if I treated my children the same way she had treated me. I ended up not talking to her for about 2 years.
When I was pregnant with my second child I decided I couldn't deny my children a grandparent, via the internet I began to contact her again. We found a healthy relationship based on friendship, and not mother/daughter feelings to build our status on. I brought her into my children's life the same way I had brought my current husband into my first child's life. I introduced her into their lives slowly, making sure I could trust that she would be there. I couldn't risk someone hurting my kids the same way I had been hurt. When my daughter was a little over a year old my mother died without any warning. She hadn't mentioned a change or that something could be happening. She had seemed down because of the season change (it was March) and I thought she would rebound when warm weather found its way back to us. We were always creatures of the Sun.
When she passed, because she wasn't married and I was of legal age, everything was put onto me. My Uncle Tony was very much there, but we've since lost touch. My Aunt seemed to be there until I signed the legal documents for her to take over my mother's legal situation, she stopped speaking to me after this.
I do not look for monetary retribution. I have spent many years in therapy (still continuing every once in awhile) because of the damage my mother caused. I often feel alone because I lack that maternal relationship most cherish. Luckily my mother and I found a relationship that worked for us in the last few months. When I needed to talk she was there. I now find myself searching for someone to talk to when faced with solitude. I sit in traffic and dial all my closest contacts on my phone. Often my 86 year old grandmother (my closest relative) doesn't even have time for me. She is faced with a husband of the same age that's health is declining quickly. On a side note, my grandparents recently had a phone installed that turns our words into closed captioning. For the first time in my entire life I can actually talk to my grandpa. I am tickled pink to hear his happiness when I call, but after 26 years of never talking to him on the phone I find that I don't know what to say. How do I talk to this amazing World War II Veteran who has lived his life and raised his family without insulting him? I am completely terrified that I will make him feel like a child and talk down to him. I have more respect for this man and his wife than anyone could ever know. They have spent 65 years together and are the most amazing display of what life and real commitment are. I wish I had someway to show them how much I truly appreciate all that he and my grandma have done for me.
Maybe I will find the courage to share this blog with them. I probably won't. I probably won't share it with anyone. I shared the link to it on my FB for several years. It didn't get much attention, so now I have deleted it from my profile. If someone finds it, I'm ok with that. I'm not going to scream it from all of my social networking accounts that I am Starring in the role of Shonna, the wondering.... If someone "discovers" me, I can live with that....
These words will be a little jumbled and only a little on topic of where we are aiming in this blog.
My mother... I have tried several times to describe her to myself and to the people I meet along the way that ask about her. She wasn't emotionally distant. She was always right there emotionally. To sum it up my husband found the words tonight via, "She was sick". I was born to a mother that was given a death sentence from birth. I asked my husband if he meant she was emotionally or physically sick and his response was, "she was just sick".
There is so much truth in this reply. I have explained before her reasons to live, breed, and move on. I won't do it again. Tonight I am faced with the truth of her life after my father. It took me months to introduce my son (from my first marriage) to the man I am now married too (5 years together). So why is it that my mother felt no guilt in dragging me to each man she dated's home. I was left with someone in this man's life usually while my mother and him went out. The day after she would spend the entire day in bed nursing a hangover (my mom's were awful because her body couldn't process the alcohol).
After quite a few years of this, and a few incidents where the drug was worse than alcohol and I wasn't the only minor involved, she married again. At the reception to this man she taught me, at the age of 16, to shoot tequila. At 16 this seemed like the coolest mom in the World. In the next few years my friends and I would find refuge in her home. We would lie and say we were staying at her place and spend time with random guys. My mom thought this was great.
When I had my son at 19 she cause her usual drama. I dealt with it for some time, but soon began to think about how I would feel if I treated my children the same way she had treated me. I ended up not talking to her for about 2 years.
When I was pregnant with my second child I decided I couldn't deny my children a grandparent, via the internet I began to contact her again. We found a healthy relationship based on friendship, and not mother/daughter feelings to build our status on. I brought her into my children's life the same way I had brought my current husband into my first child's life. I introduced her into their lives slowly, making sure I could trust that she would be there. I couldn't risk someone hurting my kids the same way I had been hurt. When my daughter was a little over a year old my mother died without any warning. She hadn't mentioned a change or that something could be happening. She had seemed down because of the season change (it was March) and I thought she would rebound when warm weather found its way back to us. We were always creatures of the Sun.
When she passed, because she wasn't married and I was of legal age, everything was put onto me. My Uncle Tony was very much there, but we've since lost touch. My Aunt seemed to be there until I signed the legal documents for her to take over my mother's legal situation, she stopped speaking to me after this.
I do not look for monetary retribution. I have spent many years in therapy (still continuing every once in awhile) because of the damage my mother caused. I often feel alone because I lack that maternal relationship most cherish. Luckily my mother and I found a relationship that worked for us in the last few months. When I needed to talk she was there. I now find myself searching for someone to talk to when faced with solitude. I sit in traffic and dial all my closest contacts on my phone. Often my 86 year old grandmother (my closest relative) doesn't even have time for me. She is faced with a husband of the same age that's health is declining quickly. On a side note, my grandparents recently had a phone installed that turns our words into closed captioning. For the first time in my entire life I can actually talk to my grandpa. I am tickled pink to hear his happiness when I call, but after 26 years of never talking to him on the phone I find that I don't know what to say. How do I talk to this amazing World War II Veteran who has lived his life and raised his family without insulting him? I am completely terrified that I will make him feel like a child and talk down to him. I have more respect for this man and his wife than anyone could ever know. They have spent 65 years together and are the most amazing display of what life and real commitment are. I wish I had someway to show them how much I truly appreciate all that he and my grandma have done for me.
Maybe I will find the courage to share this blog with them. I probably won't. I probably won't share it with anyone. I shared the link to it on my FB for several years. It didn't get much attention, so now I have deleted it from my profile. If someone finds it, I'm ok with that. I'm not going to scream it from all of my social networking accounts that I am Starring in the role of Shonna, the wondering.... If someone "discovers" me, I can live with that....
