I'm awake....

It seems to be the trend of the week.  I am on a week long mission to not take any antihistamines.  I was in the routine of taking a claritine (spl?) every morning and 2 benadryls (spl?) every night.  I have been told that I have to go a week without my allergy meds to take the test they want to run on me.  So here I am with another sneeze filled night, but tonight is a little different.  Tonight I ended up crying.  Crying, as we know as women, causes stupid side effects with our sinuses.  So here I sit typing a "blog" while my hubby snoozes away.
These words will be a little jumbled and only a little on topic of where we are aiming in this blog.
My mother... I have tried several times to describe her to myself and to the people I meet along the way that ask about her.  She wasn't emotionally distant.  She was always right there emotionally.  To sum it up my husband found the words tonight via, "She was sick".  I was born to a mother that was given a death sentence from birth. I asked my husband if he meant she was emotionally or physically sick and his response was, "she was just sick".
There is so much truth in this reply.  I have explained before her reasons to live, breed, and move on.  I won't do it again.  Tonight I am faced with the truth of her life after my father.  It took me months to introduce my son (from my first marriage) to the man I am now married too (5 years together).  So why is it that my mother felt no guilt in dragging me to each man she dated's home.  I was left with someone in this man's life usually while my mother and him went out.  The day after she would spend the entire day in bed nursing a hangover (my mom's were awful because her body couldn't process the alcohol).
After quite a few years of this, and a few incidents where the drug was worse than alcohol and I wasn't the only minor involved, she married again.  At the reception to this man she taught me, at the age of 16, to shoot tequila.  At 16 this seemed like the coolest mom in the World.  In the next few years my friends and I would find refuge in her home.  We would lie and say we were staying at her place and spend time with random guys.  My mom thought this was great.
When I had my son at 19 she cause her usual drama.  I dealt with it for some time, but soon began to think about how I would feel if I treated my children the same way she had treated me.  I ended up not talking to her for about 2 years.
When I was pregnant with my second child I decided I couldn't deny my children a grandparent, via the internet I began to contact her again.  We found a healthy relationship based on friendship, and not mother/daughter feelings to build our status on.  I brought her into my children's life the same way I had brought my current husband into my first child's life.  I introduced her into their lives slowly, making sure I could trust that she would be there.  I couldn't risk someone hurting my kids the same way I had been hurt.  When my daughter was a little over a year old my mother died without any warning.  She hadn't mentioned a change or that something could be happening.  She had seemed down because of the season change (it was March) and I thought she would rebound when warm weather found its way back to us.  We were always creatures of the Sun.
When she passed, because she wasn't married and I was of legal age, everything was put onto me.  My Uncle Tony was very much there, but we've since lost touch.  My Aunt seemed to be there until I signed the legal documents for her to take over my mother's legal situation, she stopped speaking to me after this.
I do not look for monetary retribution.  I have spent many years in therapy (still continuing every once in awhile) because of the damage my mother caused.  I often feel alone because I lack that maternal relationship most cherish.  Luckily my mother and I found a relationship that worked for us in the last few months.  When I needed to talk she was there.  I now find myself searching for someone to talk to when faced with solitude.  I sit in traffic and dial all my closest contacts on my phone.  Often my 86 year old grandmother (my closest relative) doesn't even have time for me.  She is faced with a husband of the same age that's health is declining quickly.  On a side note, my grandparents recently had a phone installed that turns our words into closed captioning.  For the first time in my entire life I can actually talk to my grandpa.  I am tickled pink to hear his happiness when I call, but after 26 years of never talking to him on the phone I find that I don't know what to say.  How do I talk to this amazing World War II Veteran who has lived his life and raised his family without insulting him?  I am completely terrified that I will make him feel like a child and talk down to him.  I have more respect for this man and his wife than anyone could ever know.  They have spent 65 years together and are the most amazing display of what life and real commitment are.  I wish I had someway to show them how much I truly appreciate all that he and my grandma have done for me.   
Maybe I will find the courage to share this blog with them.  I probably won't.  I probably won't share it with anyone.  I shared the link to it on my FB for several years.  It didn't get much attention, so now I have deleted it from my profile.  If someone finds it, I'm ok with that.  I'm not going to scream it from all of my social networking accounts that I am Starring in the role of Shonna, the wondering.... If someone "discovers" me, I can live with that.... 

Some Star... I have no followers

It seems with 500+ friends on FB my blog just isn't worth following. I have decided to take the link off of my FB. I might possibly share this with my husband and few best friends. If it finds it's way into strangers hands, I really do not care. I hope that someone finds some sort of amusement/entertainment out of my story.

Awhile back my sister began the tale of men in her life. She named it something about the "50 men" you meet in your life. She made it to blog # 4 and quit. Pity, because her story was interesting. It's funny that we find relief (not comic in this case) in others' stories.

It seems that I could have the chance to take my "adventure" to Lifetime. The only thing missing is murder and jail time. I often sit and think of things I would like to write, but as soon as I find my way to a computer they flutter out of my mind. This entire recollection will probably be broken and make no sense to most reading it, not to mention, be strung out over a vast amount of time. Truthfully, I only write when I am a little tipsy, so typos could happen. I am a person finally figuring out who she is. I am on the verge of 27 and ready to turn 30. I spent the last year deployed with a 32 year old, and her outlook has made 30 seem like the new frontier. I lost a very good friend when we were 20, and for each year that I am allowed, I see it as a blessing. I want to continue to do the things she wasn't able to do. Silly right?

I guess to give you an idea of where I am from I should start with where I currently exist. I am a 26 year old woman. I am on my second marriage. I have 2 beautiful children (I mean this). Having my children might very well have saved my life. Someone out there decided that mine was a life worth saving.

Since we are starting with the current, my husband is an incredible man. He cooks, he cleans, and he gives the most amazing orgasms ever (not to mention my first "G Spot" O ever). Although he puts most of his time into his career, a chef, he seems hellbent on spoiling me and our children. I am the closest thing to a princess a woman in our state has ever come to feeling, so you ask what could ever need my attention to write a blog (or you are just yelling "Eff you, you spoiled B!").

Sentiment, is washing over me, so here goes. I was born to a mother and father that had been high school sweethearts. Background of my father: He was born into a family that is as close to "Leave it to Beaver" as possible. He was the youngest of 3 boys, and with the oldest joining the Navy and middle fulfilling every need of the community, he had high standards to live up to. Background of my mother: She was born the oldest of a financially unfortunate family. She unfortunately was born with a birth defect that caused her to have renal failure. In turn, she was in a rush to live life while she had the chance to do it. By the time they were 25 my mother had graduated high school, had a kidney transplant (graciously given by her mother), and had a little baby girl. All of the sudden she realized that she was alive but not free, and had never had any "me time". Around the time I turned 1 she split. My father had been raised with all the values of the era, and tried very hard to give me a life. Little did we know that that would involve him working all of the time. Luckily I was blessed with wonderful sets of grandparents (on both sides).

My father's parents stepped in to take care of most of the heavy lifting. They would get me ready for school, make sure I had lunch during school, and give me something to do once I was home from said school. I have watched them through the years and seen what true love is. I have learned that sacrifice is needed to make life work, and that if happiness isn't there, it can't be forced.

My mother's parents were a little different. Without them I'm not sure I would have ever really known my mother. They put in the time and effort that should have been her tasks. They opened their home to me, and made sure I was around when she came home for her short visits. They made sure to take me to see her when times were tight and she couldn't make the trip home. Without them I would not have known her. Perhaps, without them I would not have known so much pain, but in the end it has made me what I am. Who I am today is not something I would change.

Maybe I wish I could have met my husband sooner. Maybe I wish I could have had a "normal" family. But maybe, just maybe, I am completely happy with who I am. There is no one like me, and that is the most comforting thing I have found in the World.

This is just the intro to a whole mess of "adventures". Stay tuned for the really "juicy" stuff. That is assuming anyone reads this thing...